Welcome to Existential Neighbor
Humor essays and meditations about modern life
Hello there, fellow human. (unless you are a bot then, "01001000 01100101 01101100 01101100 01101111") I'm Jeff Mahoney, and I used to debug programming for a living. Now I debug life itself—which is significantly more buggy and comes with worse documentation.
This is where I chronicle the small catastrophes and quiet victories of just being a human. Think of it as a field guide for anyone who's ever found themselves standing in a hardware store at 3 PM on a Tuesday, holding a mysterious piece of plastic that fell out of something important, wondering if this is what success looks like.
If you've ever searched "why do I exist" at 2 AM, or found yourself having a philosophical conversation with your coffee maker, you're in the right place. Welcome to the neighborhood.
Latest Writing
December 11, 2025 •
Stories •
5 min read
Emma wrote her letter on the first day of December, her small fingers gripping the pencil with the kind of determination that comes from knowing...
November 26, 2025 •
Essays •
7 min read
Thanksgiving occupies a peculiar space in the American holiday calendar—it’s the one day we’re contractually obligated to admit we’re grateful for things while simultaneously stress-eating...
November 10, 2025 •
Essays •
9 min read
It started innocently enough, the way all addictions do.
A family hike during lockdown Spring 2020, when "going outside" felt like a radical act of rebellion...
November 3, 2025 •
Essays •
6 min read
I absolutely despise painting.
Not in the way one dislikes brussels sprouts or airport security lines—this is a deeper, more primal aversion. It's the kind of...
October 28, 2025 •
Stories •
5 min read
She steps into the alley, her footfalls echoing against narrow walls. The darkness is a living thing, pressing against her skin, filling her lungs with...
October 25, 2025 •
Essays •
5 min read
My wife and I were having lunch in an outdoor courtyard, fresh from the trenches of bathroom vanity shopping—because nothing says ”romance” quite like debating...
October 19, 2025 •
Essays •
5 min read
Early morning and I'm standing in what used to be my kitchen, holding a prybar like it's evidence in a trial where I'm both defendant...
October 16, 2025 •
Essays •
2 min read
This morning I found Ellie, my Irish Setter, asleep on her back—legs splayed at geometrically improbable angles, one ear flopped inside-out, making soft honking noises...
September 15, 2025 •
Stories •
3 min read
A perfectly ordinary girl named Audrey lived in a topsy-turvy town where cats chased dogs and fish swam in the sky. Everyone called her Aud,...
August 22, 2025 •
Stories •
10 min read
The book hit the floor with a thud that echoed through the quiet library like a thunderclap.
Pages flew open, and in that singular moment of...